[Living Room] [Chip, Dale, and Monterey are playing cards at the table. A fourth hand has been dealt, and is seen lying on the side closet to the camera. Various stacks of poker chips are around the table; the largest pile is by the fourth hand.] CHIP: Well, guys? Who's in? MONTY: Not me, mate. DALE: Me neither. I got garbage again. CHIP: [looking at the camera] Zipper? You still in? [Buzzing is heard, and Monterey nods. He reaches over, and holds up the cards so the camera can see. A royal flush is shown, and the scene slowly nods.] CHIP: Okay then, I got-- [Red bulb starts blinking.] DALE: Hang on, Chip. The Gals are calling. [He taps the bulb.] [Workshop] [Gadget and Foxglove are looking rather peeved.] GADGET: Guys -- we were just checking up on some of the latest news on our message board, and you know what we saw? [Living Room] DALE: Messages? [Workshop] FOXGLOVE: Well... that, cutie, but something else. GADGET: Right. [clenching her teeth] Spam! [Workshop] MONTY: Crikey, luv, nobody really likes that stuff. Too rubbery. [Workshop] GADGET: No, Monty, I don't mean the kind Hormel makes. I mean the kind that irresponsible posters make! FOXGLOVE: [nodding] Yeah! They didn't even say anything about the Rangers in it! Just a carbon copy of some form letter. GADGET: Right. So we're taking a break in my research, so we can send it to you boys. [Living Room] CHIP: Uh, thanks, Gadget. But... why? [Workshop] GADGET: [suddenly sweet] Why, so you guys can rip it to shreds, of course! [Living Room] CHIP: I think we can handle that. MONTY: Too right. Time ta blow off some steam! DALE: Yeah, I'm not even waiting for the flashing lights this time. Race ya! [They race for the door to the TV Chamber, while the camera looks back and forth between them and the poker hand left unplayed....] CHIP: [O.S.] Zipper? Come on! We need you in here, you know! [A grumbling buzz is heard, then zooms in on the door.] [ 6 ... 5 ... 4 ... 3 ... 2 ... 1 ... ] [Monty and the chipmunks enter the theater and take their seats.] >129.55.200.20 writes: DALE: Someone from the Borg wrote this? CHIP: I have a hunch that we might see about as much personality as a Borg can muster. >THIS REALLY CAN MAKE YOU EASY MONEY!! MONTY: Yeah, Caps Lock Key repairmen are in big demand. >IT WORKS!!! BUT YOU HAVE TO CHIP: Be devoid of any intelligence to buy this. >FOLLOW IT TO THE LETTER FOR IT TO WORK!!!! CHIP: I'll give it an "F". MONTY: "F-". DALE: Do they still give out "Z"'s? CHIP: Still? DALE: I used to get 'em. >A little while back, I was browsing through newsgroups, CHIP: ["129.55.200.20"] Having no life outside of the computer, as my "name" can attest. >just like you are now, MONTY: Actually, this here is a message board. DALE: And people don't "browse" this -- they read it. CHIP: Good to know ol' "129.55.200.20" cares enough about the readers to personalize the posting. > and came across an article similar >to this that said you could make thousands of dollars within weeks CHIP: By selling off your internal organs? >with only an initial investment of DALE: Your soul! > $6.00! So I thought, [Much snickering.] > " Yeah, right, this must be a scam", but CHIP: ["129.55.200.20"] Being a sheep with no free will, I obeyed it anyway. > like most of us, >I was curious, so I kept reading. CHIP: Unlike the rest of us, who would have skipped it by now out of common sense. > Anyway, it said MONTY: "If you ever want to see your daughter again...." >that you send $1.00 to each of the 6 names and address stated in >the article. You then place your own name and >address in the bottom of the list at #6, and DALE: You're now #6 on the Mob's hit list. > post the article in >at least 200 newsgroups (There are thousands). CHIP: Gee, thanks for the incredible insight. You ever think about working for carnivals? > No >catch, that was it. So after thinking it over, [Even more snickering.] > and talking to a >few people first, DALE: I always get yelled at whenever I talk to *my* imaginary friends.... > I decided to try it. I figured what have >I got to lose except MONTY: The respect of your family for generations to come? > 6 stamps and $6.00, right? Like most of us, CHIP: Please. It's been established you are nothing like the rest of us. >I was a little skeptical and a little worried about DALE: ["129.55.200.20"] How to operate an envelope. >the legal aspects of it all. So I checked it out with the U.S. >Post Office (1-800-725-2161) and they confirmed that MONTY: ["129.55.200.20"] I'm a twit. >it is indeed legal! CHIP: Exceedingly stupid, but legal. MONTY: [Post Office Clerk] You want to send money to strangers? Sure, mate! Lemme give you my P.O. Box.... > Then I invested the measly $6.00. Well GUESS >WHAT!!... DALE: ["129.55.200.20"] Nothing ever happened and I live with the shame of it every day. > within 7 days, I started getting MONTY: Death threats. >money in the mail! I was shocked! DALE: ["129.55.200.20"] Yeah, it was Monopoly money, but still! > I figured it would end soon, CHIP: ["129.55.200.20"] Like all my credibility. >but the money just kept coming in. DALE: And the checks keep bouncing, but why focus on the bad stuff? > In my first week, I made MONTY: ["129.55.200.20"] A complete fool of myself. >about $25.00. By the end of the second week I had CHIP: ["129.55.200.20"] Been alienated my family and friends. >made a total of over $1,000.00! In the third week I had MONTY: ["129.55.200.20"] Been deported. > over >$10,000.00 and it's still CHIP: ["129.55.200.20"] Raining doughnuts and bicycle tires in my world. >growing. This is now my fourth week and I have DALE: ["129.55.200.20"] Been shot into space to avoid mucking up the gene pool further. > made a total of >just over $42,000.00 and it's still coming in >rapidly. It's certainly worth $6.00, and 6 stamps. MONTY: I'd prefer ol' "129.55.200.20" was just stamped out. >Let me tell you how this works and most importantly, why DALE: ["129.55.200.20"] The sky is green in my world. > it >works.... also, make sure you print a copy of this >article NOW, so you can CHIP: Share the joke with others. > get the information off of it as you need it. >STEP 1: Get MONTY: A life. > 6 separate pieces of paper and write the following on >each piece of paper CHIP: "I hearby declare myself mentally incompetent and am in need of serious psychiatric help. Please notify the local Insane Asylum immediately!" > "PLEASE PUT ME ON DALE: "Ricki Lake's show; "People who are Immensely Gullible"." >YOUR MAILING LIST." Now get 6 US $1.00 bills DALE: But I only have THEM $1.00 bills! > and place ONE inside >EACH of the 6 pieces of paper CHIP: That's right -- molecularly insert the money into the weave of the wood pulp. > so >the bill will not be seen through the envelope. MONTY: Whoa, those are some serious smarts ya got there! > This is to prevent >thievery. CHIP: ["129.55.200.20"] Nobody steals from you pigeons but me! > Next, place one paper in each of the 6 >envelopes and seal them. DALE: Do you really think it's necessary to spell out how to mail something? CHIP: Well, considering the intelligence level of anyone who believes this.... > You should now have 6 sealed envelopes, MONTY: [sarcastically] Whew! Thanks for clearin' that up! I wasn't sure what was next. CHIP: Help me. >each with a piece of paper stating the above >phrase, your name and address, and a $1.00 bill. What you are doing >is DALE: Giving out your name and address to total strangers. > creating a service by this. THIS IS >ABSOLUTELY MONTY: The dumbest thing humankind can be guilty of! > LEGAL! Mail the 6 envelopes to the following addresses: >#1) Nash 108 Jacksons Run Morganton, NC 28655 CHIP: The one who's wanted for fraud.... >#2) Kei 28 Westcott St Old Tappan, NJ 07675 CHIP: The one wanted for embezzlement.... DALE: Hey! How'd Westcott get involved in this? MONTY: Hopefully he'll freak out and kill whoever started this. >#3) Johannes 113 E. 12th St. Fremont, NE 68025 CHIP: Loansharking.... >#4) Brandon 94 Sanders Ave. Lowell, MA 01851 CHIP: Racketeering.... >#5) Debby 3-455 Woodview Rd. Burlington, ON L7N 2Z9 Canada CHIP: Tax Evasion.... >#6) Cheryl 18 Shadow Drive, Fitchburg, MA 01420 CHIP: And Outstanding Ignorance. MONTY: Collect all six! DALE: I think the addresses are wrong. It sounds like they all live in the state of denial. >STEP 2: Now take the #1 name off the list that you see above, move the >other names up (6 becomes 5, 5 becomes 4, etc...) and add YOUR Name >as number 6 on the list. STEP 3: >Change anything you need to, DALE: Hopefully, your mind about the whole deal. > but try to keep this article as close to >original as possible. Now, post your amended >article to at least 200 newsgroups. (I think [Everyone bursts out laughing.] > there are close to 24,000 >groups) All you need is 200, but remember, CHIP: ["129.55.200.20"] We're not responsible for any beatings you receive for this. >them more you post, CHIP: Would it have been too much to ask to at least spell check this before posting? MONTY: I doubt the poster has even heard of it. >the more money you make! >---DIRECTIONS -----HOW TO POST TO NEWSGROUPS------------ DALE: And ruin your chances of being taken seriously on them for life. >Step 1) You do not need to re-type this entire letter to do your own >posting. CHIP: This is a good thing, seeing as how if you're dumb enough to believe this, you probably can't operate a keyboard without supervision, either. > Simply put your cursor at the >beginning of this letter,then MONTY: Curse away! > click and drag your cursor to the >bottom of this document. DALE: Next, wait 20 minutes as Windows locks up and you have to reboot. > Select 'copy' from the edit >menu. This will copy the entire letter into the computers memory. >Step 2) CHIP: Cry when your Mac tells you there's no space left in memory. > Open a blank 'notepad' file MONTY: Assumin' the dingbat that believes this has even gotten past the first step. > and place your cursor at the top >of the blank page. CHIP: And start typing your Last Will and Testament. You'll soon be needing it. > From the 'edit' menu select >'paste'. This will paste a copy of the letter into notepad so that >you can add your name to the list. CHIP: Really high-tech word processing, all right. DALE: Maybe ol' "129.55.200.20" should slow down a bit, rest for a minute? >Step 3) Save your new notepad file as a .txt file. MONTY: Call it "Medumb.txt". > If you want to >do your postings in different sittings, DALE: Between episodes of "Romper Room". > you'll always >have this file to go back to. CHIP: And weep at your sin of stupidity. >Step 4) Use Netscape or Internet explorer DALE: And freeze up your computer a few more times. What the heck? > and try searching for MONTY: Somethin' constructive to do with your time. >various newsgroups (on-line forums, message >boards, chat sites, discussions.) DALE: Like alt.kill.spamposters.fun? >Step 5) Visit these message boards and post this article as a CHIP: Sign of your mental inferiority. >new message by highlighting the text of this letter DALE: Which one? There's twenty-six in the alphabet y'know! > and >selecting paste from the edit menu. Fill in the Subject, CHIP: As "This Is A Colossal Waste Of Your Time!!!! > this will >be the header that >everyone sees as they scroll through the list of postings in a >particular group, CHIP: And prepare retribution against any foolish enough to spam there. > click the post message button. You're >done with your first one! MONTY: And it only took you fifteen weeks! >Congratulations...THAT'S IT! DALE: No need to check back and see all the flames your posting generated. > All you have to do is jump MONTY: Off a bridge. > to MONTY: Do the world a favor. >different newsgroups and post away, after you get the >hang of it, it will take about 30 seconds for each newsgroup! DALE: To completely hate you for life! >**REMEMBER, THE MORE NEWSGROUPS >YOU POST IN, THE MORE CHIP: Widespread your humiliation will be! > MONEY YOU WILL MAKE!! BUT YOU HAVE TO POST >A MINIMUM OF 200** DALE: And who's going to know if you don't? Santa Claus? CHIP: He'd probably approve, anyways. > That's it! You will begin reciving money from CHIP: Elvis, Bigfoot, the Loch Ness Monster, and whoever else is alive in your little fantasy world. >around the world within days! You may eventually want MONTY: To have your head examined. >to rent a P.O.Box due to the large amount of mail you will receive. CHIP: Those ticking, brown packages take up a lot of space, all right. >If you wish to stay anonymous, you can invent a >name to use, as long as the postman will deliver it. CHIP: Preferably with a bullet. > **JUST MAKE >SURE ALL THE ADDRESSES ARE CORRECT.** >Now the WHY part: ALL: Because we *don't* like you! > Out of 200 postings, say I receive only 5 replies MONTY: All flames. >(a very low example). DALE: I agree. You should get a lot more flames than that. > So then I made $5.00 >with my name at #6 on the letter. Now, each of the 5 persons who CHIP: ["129.55.200.20"] Only exist in my mind. >just sent me $1.00 make the MINIMUM 200 >postings, DALE: Why would they need to send money to do that? Why not just repost the message? It's not like anyone can stop them. CHIP: Well, there's one good thing about this -- Dale finally outsmarted a criminal. DALE: Yeah, I -- hey! > each with my name at #5 and only 5 persons respond to >each of the original 5, DALE: Ginger, Sporty, Scary, Baby, and Posh? > that is another $25.00 for >me, now those 25 each make 200 MINIMUM posts with my name at #4 CHIP: Yes, ladies and gentleman, you're watching a pyramid scheme in action here! >and only 5 replies each, I will bring in an MONTY: ["129.55.200.20"] Oversized, polka-dotted walrus to do my gardenin', in my own little world.... >additional $125.00! Now, those 125 persons turn around and CHIP: ["129.55.200.20"] Sue me for getting them into this. > post the >MINIMUM 200 with my name at #3 and >only receive 5 replies each, I will DALE: ["129.55.200.20"] Rule the world! >make an additional $625.00! OK, now here is the fun part, each of >those 625 persons DALE: ["129.55.200.20"] Hits me in the skull with a crowbar. MONTY: You're right -- it *is* fun! CHIP: And a great spectator sport, too! > post a MINIMUM 200 DALE: Think ol' "129.55.200.20" has got that "MINIMUM" quota full yet? >letters with my name at #2 and they each only receive 5 replies, >that just made me DALE: ["129.55.200.20"] The Queen of the Onion and Cherry Tarts! Crown me! MONTY: Gimme a mallet, first. > $3,125.00!!! Those 3,125 >persons will all deliver this message to 200 newsgroups with my >name at #1 CHIP: And thus the first person to terminate. > and if still 5 persons per 200 >newsgroups react I will receive $15,625.00! With a original MONTY: ["129.55.200.20"] Postin', I could've made a few friends, but that would've gone against the wishes of the first post I read. >investment of only $6.00! AMAZING! When your >name is no longer CHIP: The least bit reputable. > on the list, you just take the latest posting >in the newsgroups, and send out another $6.00 to names >on the list, putting your name at number 6 again. And start >posting again. The thing to remember is, CHIP: ["129.55.200.20"] In my world, all wallpaper tastes like lime Jell-O! > do you realize >that thousands of people all over the world are joining the >internet and reading these articles everyday, MONTY: And laughin'. DALE: [Obie One] I felt a great laugh in the 'Net. As if a thousand souls saw this thing, and burst out in gales. > JUST LIKE >YOU are now!! So can you afford $6.00 and >see if it really works?? I think [Riotous laughter.] > so... People have said, CHIP: ["129.55.200.20"] I never should have left the funny farm. >"what if the plan is played out and no one sends you the >money? So what! What are the chances of that happening when there >are tons of new DALE: Suckers. > honest users and new honest MONTY: Braindead. > people who are >joining the internet and newsgroups everyday and >are willing to CHIP: Forever shame themselves. > give it a try? Estimates are at 20,000 to >50,000 new users, every day, with thousands of those joining DALE: The Hair Club for Men! >the actual internet. Remember, play FAIRLY and >HONESTLY MONTY: ["129.55.200.20"] Unlike me. > and this will work. CHIP: About as well as a waterproof teabag. >Enjoy the money, Cheryl DALE: Why should Cheryl enjoy the money? CHIP: I think she's supposed to be "129.55.200.20". MONTY: A sucker by any other name... Come on, blokes, let's go. [ 1 ... 2 ... 3 ... 4 ... 5 ... 6 ] [Living Room] CHIP: Well, that wasn't so bad. DALE: Yeppers! Kinda fun, really. MONTY: Too right. I also consider it somethin' of a public service, for all those loyal fans out there, who built that board! [The Ranger theme is lightly heard in the background as Monty speaks.] MONTY: For it is made by those fans, maintained by the fans, and for the fans that the message board will not perish from this Earth! [Chip and Dale clap, then stop as the red bulb blinks. Chip taps it.] CHIP: What do you think, ladies? [Workshop] GADGET: Ah, thanks boys. I feel much better. I wasn't so uptight since that problem with Ranger War II. FOXGLOVE: Well, hopefully that's the last of the spam messages we'll have to deal with. GADGET: I hope so, too, Foxy. Or I just might have to dig out that flamethrower of mine and go hunt down a certain ISP number.... [Foxglove chuckles nervously, then reaches over and presses the button.] -- FWOOSH! -- Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its related characters and situations are trademarks of and [c] copyright 199X by Best Brains, Inc. All rights reserved. Chip, Dale, Monterey Jack, Gadget, Zipper, and Foxglove are owned by Disney. Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or trademarks held by Best Brains, Inc. or anyone else is intended or should be inferred. This post is not, in any way, shape, or form, a personal attack on ol' "129.55.200.20", whoever it really is just needs to learn a bit of consideration (not to mention customizing messages). This MiSTing is [c] copyright 1998 by Matt Plotecher. >them more you post,